hello i am a recovering people pleaser

the cost of keeping the peace

the ache

saying that sounds corny. but it doesn't feel that way.

if i could explain to you the aching in my chest. how it makes me shed a tear at the thought. the experience i'm having. after the realization. how far i have gone in this life… allowing other people who make me uncomfortable, letting them and accepting that i am the one that needs to suffer the consequences, because yes. it is my fault, right? or i shouldn't make a scene. i need to keep the peace. being quiet allows things to go smoothly. and- yes while, there is truth in those things and in certain circumstances and knowing when silence speaks louder than noise. the noise i was making was being agreeable. through understanding.

the people pleaser

because that's my fault- for trying to be someone i wanted you to like regardless if i even know you or not. because i like to open up to people and i like to be someone people can trust. i want you to feel safe with me to tell me something that might be hard to admit but i'm proud of you for confronting that difficult part in your life. i have experienced hardship. i have experienced unfairness. i have experienced deep. deep. deep. pain and wounds in my life. so why would i want to do that to anyone else in my life?

so, for that no matter who i meet. i want to give the love that i hope to receive, there's no alternative motive. simply want to increase the amount of happiness in the world. i want to be your cheerleader, love is the answer, love is what stops the pain, the suffering and the hurt.

the cost

but i am now realizing that with that comes a cost, it couldn't be that simple. no we are not all capable of giving love because we think we shouldn't receive it in the first place. that is the unfortunate part that i think pains me the most, what do you mean you cannot be yourself because you're worried that part of you is unlovable? it's not i promise, now will you stop acting like that?

is what i wish i could tell those people who make attempts at making me uncomfortable. but to be quite frank with you- those are not the thoughts i have after the moment has passed, after we have giggled and i went along with your really offensive comment because i was worried about making YOU uncomfortable. how the hell does that make ANY sense? after my people pleasing has taken over my body and i fell into taking its lead, i feel absolutely vile.

my chest hurts, i feel like throwing up loads everywhere afterwards because i have to fight myself from telling myself that it's okay, you're safe now and no one can hurt you now but then i am also gazing down at myself, pointing the finger saying "you know you should've spoke up LOUDER".

then it becomes a cycle and the pattern has never changed. until now.

new york changed me

a whole month in new york city. adventuring out on my own. for the first time at the ripe age of twenty four. classic early 20's revelations i'm having right now. i have never lived on my own. it has always been either with a boyfriend or my parents. (i went to community college while working full time to avoid taking out any loans… then eventually dropped out.) i'm here on an investment on my future self. i've been modeling since i was sixteen and i'm going on year three of being signed with my mother agency. the curv. who is based in nyc and has asked me in previous years to come try out for nyfw and i always made the excuse i didn't have enough time or money.

the beginning of this year i decided to change that.

i decided to go full throttle on my dreams and take a chance to see what i can make happen.

the book that found me

however…

the morning of the day i was scheduled to hop on my flight, i gathered with my neighborhood community on wednesday at 8am for the first time. my neighbor sarah and i decided to join the weekly walk and ended up finding ourselves writing our intentions for the day and sharing it with the group. it's exactly everything i could ever want from the strangers that live around me. as sarah and i perused around the community space the bookshelf drew me in. sarah followed and she scooped a book up where she immediately squealed because she knew who the cover artist was and asked if she could borrow the book. i really liked that for her. i briefly scanned the shelf at my eye level and noticed this one book that really jumped out at me.

i was nervous at first to ask, if i too, could borrow a book, granted the fact it was the first time that sarah and i had attended this weekly event and i wouldn't be offended either since i would be in nyc for a whole month, dragging away the book from the shared members who probably have taken part in showing up for each other from the get-go. yet, the people nodded in acceptance with the exception that i document a written agreement to promise to bring it back to the community space. i felt a really high honor because i had gained their trust to take care of and read this book they allowed me to borrow. i shoved it in my backpack, alongside my journal and fiction book to "balance out the self care book". (i've only read it once).

maybe due to the urgency i felt to read the book to make sure i would return it back to its little space on the shelf is the reason i started it. maybe it's because i knew. deep. deep. deep down inside me i knew i needed to confront this part of me.

2am and the seed is planted

i've been pretty restless this whole trip, going to bed around 2-3am is not my normal. that's when i feel the most silence though. one night, perhaps 9 days in, i reach for the book, a pen and my current journal. i'm prompted to write, define and explain the difference between confidence and arrogance and how they feel in my body.

confidence:

"to me it's a flow state. there are no thoughts about 'what should come next? what do i say? how do i react?' confidence is simply being comfortable with the present emotions you are feeling and fleeting into faith."

arrogance:

"to me is a closed heart, a state that chooses superiority and walks with entitlement. the energy feels sharp, harsh and full of assumptions."

how are they different?

"confidence may feel intimidating at first but once you recognize that it's simply internal energy that is or does feel safe to express, you become drawn into that state of flow. it's beautiful and captivating. arrogance feels threatening. the energy is cornering, like you're being shoved into a box. what you say around arrogance feels like walking on eggshells."

confidence feels like in my body:

"open to sharing myself. content with choices i make, yet open to hearing other perspectives. O-P-E-N"

arrogance feels like in my body:

"closed off. closed from sharing experiences. feeling like i'm trying to find what's right. C-L-O-S-E-D"

this was the very first time i am identifying the way an act feels in my body.

this is where the seed is planted.

the truth starts here

i continue to read these pages, really feeling like i'm starting to get some answers, my mindset that was once set to "keeping the peace" is now shifting, changing and before i know it, i will encounter moments that will test my current self studies.

i'm learning that by saying "yes" to when people make me uncomfortable i'm also lying to myself. honesty is a big ethos that i really really do honor. being honest with myself, being honest with others. lying makes my stomach turn and makes me feel small.

about a week ago, i had this really strong personality that i met, out while i was by myself and this occurrence happened like i have never experienced. they shared information with me that i wouldn't consider telling someone i met 5 minutes ago but i like to practice non-judgement, i don't want people to hurt and feel like i am any superior to them because i've had a different life experience than them. they then asked me a question that made me uncomfortable, to which i replied with a "thanks but no thanks." then it felt like there was arrogance in the room with us. in my body i felt cornered. the crazy part is though. i didn't do a damn thing about it. i played chill. i acted cool because i didn't want to upset the peace in the room.

it made me realize how i really do need to start getting comfortable with making other people uncomfortable by speaking up for how i feel in my body when they make me uncomfortable, because people are so, so quick to say some shit that comes from a place of arrogance rather than curiosity, genuineness, openness and confidence.

there's no need for me to break them down, tell them that they're wrong for doing so. no. i don't think there is a success on either party there. the "right" thing to do is to tell the truth. "that comment made me uncomfortable and i would appreciate it if we could switch topics or not step in that territory again because it is something i don't owe to you." especially. with strangers.

imagine that? truthful, honest, no blame and only talking about the things in the room that we are and are not okay with.

i've done this before

this brings me back to when i was 19 working at H-E-B during covid. i was kneeling on the ground, double masked up, placing product on the shelf. a large, tall, old man approached me as i rose to see if i could help him find something. he pulled down his confederate flag mask and told me, "i love to see a woman on her knees". my coworker and i looked at him with awe and i proudly and loudly said, "that makes me uncomfortable."

even though i was in utter disgust, seeing his reaction was priceless as my higher-ups backed me up and i felt insanely happy for speaking up on how i felt.

a promise to myself

now. these people who cross my boundaries aren't all 6'5, 200lbs and wearing racist face masks. these people can look like anyone and cross my boundaries. no matter who you are, what you look like, what you identify as, what our relationship is; platonic, romantic or familial.

if you make me feel a way that isn't safe.

just know i'm practicing non-judgement and speaking up for myself.

the relationships i create in my life will be genuine, honest and true.