may and june reflections

What happens when you decide to go all in on investing in yourself and your mental wellbeing? A lot of reflection, ego-deaths, endless questions, learning and new discoveries.

I’ve always kinda been addicted to self help books since I was in my early years but I suppose there are worse things out there for me to be attached to other than perfecting myself as a human being. Which is the latest thing I think I’ve made it a desire of mine since moving to San Francisco and really feeling like I am an adult playing pretend in this adult society. By playing pretend I mean that I fully freelance so I find myself talking to all types of other adults, business owners, creating quotes for skills that I have developed overtime and learning how to navigate endless fee’s and taxes that come with being 25 and an entrepreneur. But what I have learned and discovered over the past three months of really diving deep into my psyche, dharma talks, yoga retreats and meditation is that it’s not so much about the identity I create to transform into the most likable being in the world or the adult that has all their shit figured out or the business woman that meets everyones different desires and needs. But rather really coming face to face with accepting the fact that I have two wolves inside of me. A monkey that has animalistic needs that need to be met and this God that can experience and grow their higher conciseness. What does that mean? Well, I’m still in the practice of accepting all versions of myself and examining what I value to make living here worth while, memorable and interesting.

This all kinda started when I made the decision last year in 2025 to invest fully on a surf and yoga retreat in Portugal in May of 2026 and then the exploration of self-discovery continued to deepen at another yoga intensive in June 2026. Two months, two full weeks of calming the noise in my head to stare down deep into the depths of the water to reveal to me what is most precious for me in this lifetime. What I learned is that you do not practice your way into transformation yet you see your way into transformation. In order to examine the mind you must come into a calm state of being to reveal what is hiding and what is there for you.

The headspace I feel that I was in before Portugal was definitely on the brink of wanting to release something and welcome in newness, what it was, I had no clue. When I arrived my hair was freshly chopped into a pixie cut and I was ready to be in the ocean, welcoming the feeling of mother earth on my body, saline healing whatever brokenness I couldn’t identify from the outside in. Before I had left for my trip, I tried to make sure that all the accounts I was managing for social media we’re in a good place for posting. That way I could enter the week fully zen, fully present and most importantly fully aware to what I had been shoving down and suppressing. I started freelance social media managing back in 2023 after I had dropped out of college because well I grew up chronically online and always creating images and concepts with other people was very natural for me. I worked full time and went to school since I was 16 so I saw social media was a way for me to make somewhat of a consistent income, start to travel the world and I feel pretty good about the visual outputs that I can create. I can visualize a concept and you bet that I can make it happen. However, something about it I began to notice a resistance towards it. I could identify that as maybe feeling pressure of always needing to be available to respond to people or feeling like there needed to be a clear ROI for the investment these small business’ were making in me, feeling burnout for using my creativity for pushing products and services on people and the need for validation from strangers so that my clients saw my worth. All of these things though I began to notice… started with me. Then I also began to notice how it was affecting all of my relationships around me because I was continuing to do something that no longer felt authentic to my being.

The way in which it was affecting my other relationships felt quite familiar but this time instead of running away from them i veered head on. The method that I choose in doing so was becoming more aware of my speech and energy. On the trip I brought with The Artist’s Way and also this book Personal Power Through Awareness. One of the requirements of the Artist’s way is the morning Pages where you write 3 pages each morning as soon as you wake up. To you know get all of the excess chatter that might be present as soon as you wake up in the morning. The Personal Power Through Awareness has helped me in many ways of discovering where in my life I am attaching and clinging, having co-dependent tendencies, desire to control situations or fully resisting reality. What I have learned is that it is not bad that these qualities, thoughts and emotions exist within my being but that I just need to turn to them and send them love and compassion. This whole idea of authenticity has become more and more relevant to me as I continue to dig deeper and deeper on what is it that I care about and where am I people pleasing? The one solution that continues to help me navigate these thoughts and feelings is intentional alone time with myself to get centered with my energy. To see and observe where I really am in life I need to calm my physical body and mind down in order to examine why do I do the things that I do. Why do I choose to welcome in certain opportunties and experiences that are no longer aligning? What I discovered is that I was heavily relying on external validation and societal expectations of myself. Using words like “Need to”, “should/shouldn’t” and “always/never” we’re the first words that I started paying attention to. These ideas that I “need to” be a certain way or that I “should” be on a different path than what current reality is now is what has been holding me back/distracting me from actually following where my heart desires. I think that humans (me included) need some sort of permission to do that thing that they constantly have pop up into their mind again and again. Why is that? Because engaging in something that brings you pure joy isn’t considered “productive”. That’s where I can relate at least. Especially coming from a place where I started working full time as a teenager, making money and survival has come first since then.