the dangers of shoulding

An examination of self-talk regarding shoulding.

Should, Shouldn't, and Need to are words that I have realized I use frequently, yet create no direct impact in my life and rather keep me in a mental place I like to call "limbo land". An insufferable space in my brain that feels like stagnation of everlasting indecision fatigue combo-loco'd with guilt and shame.

The reason I think that I have picked up so many shoulds and shouldn'ts is because I think humans (me) like certainty and clear outcomes. That if I complete x thing that is "good" or "bad" for me, then I will understand and know the outcome that will come with that related thing. I think also we like to optimize our lives, and so over the course of however long I've had access to the self-help internet (14), I have seen countless opinions, articles, reels, and whatever else content that tells me by incorporating some type of form or guidelines in my life, I will then become a more productive human that will indeed have a long life expectancy.

It wasn't until recently when I started annotating my journal entries of how much I tell myself that I should or shouldn't be doing something. And I'm not talking about just big life decisions; I'm getting caught up in life's little indecisions, which leaves me spiraling in my head and feeling like I'm unable to complete any task.

If I could express to you what this feels like in my body, the sensation is around the temples, across the forehead with a TV-static kind-of-feeling. The color I would label for it is grey. A sliding scale of grey. Not black. Not white. A tone of "I don't know". It also feels like it manifests into a lot of mental weight, feeling like there's an obligation to do the thing, but IDK if I really want that (because my physical body is signaling I need something else). So now I have a fat stack of obligations that I procrastinate putting into motion because I think they are required of me to do to become a more efficient, productive, grade-A human!

Some examples could look like:

• I shouldn't wash my hair today because I washed it yesterday
• I should get up and stop looking at my phone
• I should start that project I keep talking about
• I shouldn't be on Instagram right now
• I shouldn't eat bread right now because later I will want a heavy carb-fixed meal for dinner
• I should start running
• I should only eat organic
• I shouldn't watch a movie
• I should text that person
• I should meal prep
• I shouldn't brush my teeth before coffee
• I should brush my teeth before I eat
• I should read a book
• I shouldn't go to that event

And yeah, like, I can keep going, but even just typing that out for me gave me some kind of exhaustion, lol. So what I've realized is that this should and shouldn't talk doesn't create any real action items; it's basically fantasizing of what I am or am not "going" to do. Based on some kind of subconscious fact that I have neurologically engrained in my brain from whatever self-help influencer, author, or coach I saw online once and it stuck for some reason.

Conditioning. Yeah, that's what I guess you could call it. How many things have I seen online or heard from a random person and then identified that statement as fact before experimenting with the idea and then drawing my own conclusion to determine if it's useful?

It reminds me of the word "trying" as well. An example I've once heard is "I'm trying to give up my nicotine addiction." But with something like that, it is you either are or you are not smoking. There has yet to be a commitment to sobering up.

I've also begun to notice how I will should-talk with people closest to me! Telling my boyfriend or friends what I think is best for them randomly. I've caught myself saying to Carlos, "You should go for a walk." Or whatever it is that comes to mind when clearly I don't have any clear action item for myself, so now I need to go and tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing (LOL love you babe). I recognize again it's this need for control to achieve that certainty my anxiety is looking for.

So while I think shoulds and shouldn'ts are a large scale of somewhere between societal conditioning and non-commitment, I also think utilizing these words creates uncertainty between my mind and my body, and to second-guess my human experience. I think it also has to do with how much I consider being a productive human being is more worthy of existing than to simply exist and accept all of my imperfections.

I do not identify with the term, but what feels the most fitting to categorize this experience is a victim of the self-help industry.

The reason being I don't identify with that label is because now I have become more aware of the power of identities. Which could be a whole separate journal entry, but let me get into how this actually kinda fits here for me.

I want to try my best, okay. Everyday I wake up and I want to seize the day! But rather than facing myself with what is present in my body, I am thinking about what type of person I want to be. Rather than being little ol' me! I project onto myself that I want to be successful, a good girlfriend, a helpful neighbor, a reliable friend, community builder, an inspiring artist, strong athlete, kind daughter, grade-A student, well-groomed human, model, zen yogi, master practitioner, and so on and so forth. All identities that when I click into a folder of what a "reliable friend" is, a million bagillion sub-folders are revealed of what a good friend "should and should not" do to uphold and maintain that vision.

With that being said, here are a few next-action items I will incorporate in my life to stay out of limbo land, be in the present moment, which includes and is not limited to:

• Specific goal setting with flexibility and compassion
• Sitting with uncertainty and anxiety
• Observing my speech and replacing shoulds with "I will" or "I will not" to have clear next steps
• Boundaries around my time and energy
• Getting clear about what I stand for
• Giving myself permission to do what my body is asking to do rather than what I think it is I need to do (this specifically in exercise, but also with eating as well)
• Fucking around and finding out for myself
• Trusting the experience, but also leaving space to have multiple perspectives

Just something that's been on the membrane. Another thing I've been shoulding is writing these observations/journal entries and publishing them on my portfolio/website!

Well, here it is! I'm doing the thing because I want to and not because I think it should wait until it's perfect. ;)

Until next time! We shall see what thought pops up next.

Your beloved friend,

Maddi